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My bargain with death

What will be the outcome?

Written by Connie Small, December 21, 2000

At first, I did not question that I believed in God, the afterlife, heaven, etc. I was furious with God. I tried to make a bargain with Him. I begged him, on my knees, to give my child back.

I asked for relief from my agony. I wasn't asking for Him to take away all of my pain. I didn't want that. If the pain was gone, then I felt I would have had to let go of her. I wasn't ready for that. I had to keep her with me, I had to deny that she would not walk through my door.

The agony not only continued, it worsened. I shouted at God, asking him why He wasn't taking some of my pain away. Isn't that what I was supposed to do as a good Christian? Ask Him to take away my suffering? As a good Christian, wasn't I supposed to have Him answer my prayer for relief?

My pain did not lessen. It did not go away. As the pain became stronger, my beliefs weakened. I questioned a God who would let me suffer so horrendously, when it would have been so simple to ease it, just a little. I felt guilty. For questioning Him; for asking for help. Maybe I wasn't the good Christian I thought I was afterall. Maybe that was why He didn't ease my suffering. I thought of the Footprints story. I looked back, but I saw only my footprints.

I wondered why. Why was I seemingly being ignored when I was doing the "right thing"? As the days passed, I hurt more than the day before. I didn't know how it could be possible, that tomorrow's pain would be worse than today's, but it was.

Now, I find myself asking what I need to do. Blindly accept God and the beliefs I never questioned before? I never had a reason to question them until now. When I keep praying and begging for God to ease my pain and I get no answer; when my mind races and never shuts off, I wonder what to do next.

Tonight, I read some of The Last Time by John Edward. Interesting book, but I'm not entirely convinced of all that he says is real. I read Embraced by the Light, by Betty Eadle. I questioned her experience too.

I realized, I need answers. I need proof, before I can begin to heal. I have to know that Cassy is in a place of complete joy. I have to know that when I die, I will be reunited with her. I have to know that I will know her and she will know me. I need a sign.

On Christmas Day, I have asked for a sign, which I will reveal only on the day after Christmas. If I see what I ask for, I will know that I can stop questioning, stop doubting, believe in Him and maybe start to heal a little bit.

I will remain positive that I will receive the sign for which I've asked. I will not let myself think that I won't receive it. I want to believe. I want to heal.