My bargain with death, part 2

The outcome

Written by Connie Small, December 25, 2000

At 12:10, Christmas Day, 2000, I began to cry. I knew I was going to be sad, but I had thought it would happen much later in the day. I sat alone in the dark and listened to "Hey Jude" over and over and over. My heart hurt each time, as if it were the first. "Hey Jude" was a song Cassy loved. She sang it to Cody, her 3 1/2 year old nephew, each night at bedtime.

Finally, around 1:30, I went to bed, silent tears falling from my eyes. I tried to go to sleep, but all I could think about, was whether I would get my sign or not. It was so important to me, I didn't know what I was going to do if I didn't get it.

At 2:00, I suddenly felt a strong urge to get out of bed and search for the sign I sought. I was drawn to things already here, that I had seen countless times. I went to each angel I had collected since Cassy died. Almost frantically, I searched each angel, hoping to find my sign. Nothing. I went to her picture and begged her, "Please, Cassy, show me my sign!" I turned my head to the left, to the very last angel. The angel was one of a set of four. That particular angel had been chosen to represent Cassy. In her hands, the angel, my Cassy, held a white dove.........the sign I had begged for.

I kept watch all of Christmas Day, thinking maybe I was wrong. Perhaps that was the wrong dove. But another never came. Cassy didn't make me suffer and wait all day. She knew the pain in my heart and sent me the sign I desperately needed, long before the Christmas sun rose.

As I began writing this, I realized, there have been signs all along. I drew comfort from them at the moment, but hesitated to reveal them to many others, for fear of being perceived as foolish. Or, maybe I was afraid I wanted the signs so badly, my mind was giving them to me.

The day after she died, I was sitting on the side of my bed, struggling to dress myself to go to make arrangements at the funeral home. Suddenly a bird appeared at my windowsill. It stared in, as if it wanted to come inside. It flew away, then came back, again, peering inside. When it flew away again, I said through my tears, "Cassy, if that's you, please come back." The bird came back.

A few days later, Amy noticed a bird peeking through the front room blinds. She told me, "Mom, there's a bird out on the balcony railing and it looks like it wants to come in." I looked through the blinds and saw the bird. I pulled back the blinds and the bird did not fly away. Within a few seconds, it flew to the other side of the railing. Then, a much smaller bird, with a white dot on one wing, flew up beside her. I was filled with an incredible sense of peace and love, like I've never felt before. It was as if the bird was Cassy and she was saying, "Look mom, I'm O.K. and I brought my baby. Isn't she beautiful? I'm a mommy now!"

Many years ago, I watched a movie about a mom who was dying and knew it. Her daughter asked her, "How will I know when you get to Heaven?" The mother replied, "I'll send you a feather from one of my wings." Days after she died, the little girl found a white feather. Cassy had not seen that movie as far as I knew. I asked her to send me a feather. A few days later, a dear friend of mine brought me an early Christmas gift. She said for some reason, she just felt I needed it now. It was a clear plastic case with a feather inside. On the case was written this:

When lifes' burdens seem too much to bear,
Look towards the heavens
and He will be there.
A gift for you, His angel will bring,
The promise of hope,
and a feather from her wing."

Jennifer knew I wanted an angel with a baby. Just days after Cassy's death, she found a water globe at Walmart, with an angel rocking a baby in a cradle. She knew it was the one. On her way to the checkout, she looked to see what song it played. The song? "Hey Jude".

Thank you, Cassy, for giving me the hope I needed. I love you, my precious angel. Forever and ever, plus one more day.

Mom