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The cross by the side of the road
It was so cold the day I felt the need to visit your cross for the first time.
Written by Connie Small, December 27, 2000
I picked up pictures from Walmart today. My mind didn't allow me to remember what they were of. My mind doesn't seem to let me remember much of anything. Except memories of you.
I looked through the pictures, hoping to find just one picture of you. There were none. What I did find, was the picture I took of your cross. I took it December 10, one month and four days after you died.
It was so cold the day I felt the need to visit your cross. Without thinking it over, I drove there. When I arrived, my heart felt as though it were being torn out of my chest. This was the first time I had come to your cross. I didn't realize it was going to hurt so much.
I knelt in front of the cross and touched your name. My eyes took in the green Deady bear painted near the top. I saw your birth date. Then, I saw the date of your death. I could no longer hold in the tears. I screamed out your name, begging you to come to me. I shouted at God for taking you from me. I begged for him to bring you back and take me. I just wanted to see you, hold you and tell you I loved you, just one more time. Sobs tore through my body as if I were being beaten. I told you how sorry I was that you had to die in such a horrible way.
I took a green Deady bear and hung him from your cross. At the base, I left you a poem and letter I had written to you. Within the design, I left a picture of my hand. It meant so much to me when I held yours. I wanted to leave you mine, just in case you wanted to hold it again.
I looked on the ground around your cross and picked up an object. To my horror, I realized it was a burnt piece of the car you died in. It wasn't recognizable. I looked around and found more pieces. I was shocked to see how much of an area they covered. I looked at the highway and saw the scorch marks from where the car had burned.
I couldn't take any more. I snapped a picture of your cross and got in the car. On the drive back home, I kept looking around and thinking of ways to die. I wondered if it would be from a vehicle crossing the center line. I wondered, if I died, would I see you immediately? I wasn't looking for death, but if it came, I wouldn't have turned it away.
I miss you my angel. My heart is so lonely.