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"You'll destroy yourself"

Written by Connie Small, February 26, 2001

I got a call today from someone trying to reach Cassy. She had purchased a vacuum cleaner, shortly before her death. Since they hadn't heard from her and the payments had stopped, the company turned the account over to a collection agency. As a listed reference, they called me for information. With a heavy heart, I told them she died 16 weeks ago today.

The man professed his sympathy. Today was an exceptionally bad day, so it wasn't but a minute, before I was in tears. He tells me I need to get some "help". I asked him what he meant. He asked if I was on medication. I told him my doctor had prescribed something for depression. He asked if it was a regular doctor. I said yes. He then proceeded to tell me I needed to go to therapy for "this".

I was trying to be polite, so I nicely told him I didn't think it would help. He asked why not. Again, trying to be polite, I told him a therapist would listen and tell me I was grieving and I was normal. I said I didn't think that would help me. His tone of voice changed then and he told me I needed to get counselling so I could "get over this". I told him it wasn't something I could ever "get over". That if it had been my mother or uncle that just died, he wouldn't be telling me I needed to "get over" it. He asked, "Why not?" By now, I'm starting to realize, this guy has a heart of stone. I told him the death of a child was so horrible, talking about it made people uncomfortable, whereas, the death of anyone else, wasn't quite as hard to discuss. I reminded him, it had been only 16 weeks today. He again said, I needed to get professional help to get over this. He said if I didn't, I'd destroy myself.

At this point, the shock (and politeness) was starting to wear off. I told him if I destroyed myself, then I destroyed myself. He said, "Well, fine then!", and hung up!

I've been fighting these bouts of anger for 16 weeks now. I can't call him back because his number didn't show up on my caller ID. But, I did get the address of his company and I intend to write a letter to the president, and cc it to him, so he'll KNOW I wrote to his boss. This isn't something I would normally do, but I am so sick of people like him and the lady who told me, "at least you don't have to worry about losing her, now." I'm tired of fighting the anger and being polite when I want to rip this guy's head off. I figure this letter is a safe way of "ripping his head off".

I can't believe he told me I needed to "get over" this! Why?! Why do people take it upon themselves to say things like that??? How can they be so cruel and not even KNOW it? That man either doesn't know how much he hurt me or doesn't care. What gives these people the right to think they have the authority to tell me how to live MY life? I don't understand what gives total strangers, the right to say such horrible things? It's like they think it's their responsibility to make me stop grieving because it's "been long enough".

I am so upset right now, I can't even think straight. I just keep hearing those words running through my head. How am I supposed to remember the happy times with Cassy, when I have all of these horrid comments that I can't forget? I can't believe how bad it hurts, when someone you don't even know, can tear you apart with such heartless words. It isn't my grief that will destroy me. It's people like the two who have dealt me staggering blows the last two days.