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Don't make me believe.

It's been six months today. How can it be this long?

Written by Connie Small, May 6, 2001

Shortly after your death, I was desperate for a sign from you. Something, anything, to tell me you were O.K. That you were in heaven. That you were whole. That you were with your baby. That you were still here with me, if only in spirit form. Those signs gave me great comfort. At least, they did at the time.

Now, the signs I begged to see before, I push away. Each sign only serves to reinforce that you aren't here. It reminds me, that this is the only way you can speak to me. Each sign is a reminder that one day, I must face reality and that reality is, you are gone and will never come back.

I don't want to face reality. I don't want to admit that I will never hold your body again. I don't want to believe that I will never see your beautiful face or hear your voice tell me you love me. I have to believe, you are not gone. You are coming back to me. I just don't know when. If I keep believing, even though deep down, I know I am really in denial, then I won't have to face the ultimate pain. The pain of having to let you go. The pain grows each day. The tears fall in abundance. They fall because the truth has entered through a crack in the wall I keep around my heart and have had since you left me.

I need you Cassy. I need to deny that you're gone. Please, don't make me believe. Not yet. I'm not ready.

I miss and love you so very much, Cassy. My eyes long to see you. They always will. Forever and ever, plus one more day.

Mom