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Guilt

I'm so sorry, my Cassy. I'm so sorry.

Written by Connie Small, December 12 2000

Guilt eats at me until I feel it has eaten through my very soul.

I remember all of the bad times. Each time one slips to the front of my memory and makes its presence know, it feels like a knife in my heart. I remember being upset because you didn't want to go walking with me as you had promised. I don't remember why you didn't want to go. Only that you didn't want to go. I angrily put the stroller into the car and buckled Adam in. I remember you got into the car too. I told you, you could just stay home. I was so mad at you. Even then, you still went with me. When we arrived at the place where I walked, I got Adam and the stroller out of the car and started walking. I walked as fast as I could. Without saying a word, you kept up with me. I angrily told you that you didn't have to walk with me. I remember you saying you wanted to. I didn't believe you at first and just kept walking. I know I finally calmed down and walked normally with you by my side. You hadn't left me. You stayed with me, knowing of my anger. I realize now, you must have been so hurt, knowing you had hurt me. You tried to apologize by going with me. I let my anger get in the way. If only I had that night back. I would have done it so differently.

I remember when you smoked in my car. You knew I didn't want you to smoke and I didn't want you to smoke in my car. I was so angry, I refused to talk to you. Not only did I not want to talk to you, I told you I didn't want to talk to you. How I wish I had that day back. How I wish I had put my priorities in order. I wish I had put you first and not my car.

Why am I here? Why am I the one left behind? Why couldn't it have been me? I've lived long enough. Why do I see the newness of each day? Why do I feel the rain on my face? Why do I still breathe? Why does my heart still beat? Why couldn't it have been me?

I love and miss you, Cassy. with all my heart. Now and forever, plus one more day.
Mom