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Memories are just not enough

Even with the most horrifying of dreams, you eventually wake up.

December 18, 2000

In a single instant, your life can be changed forever. I've come to realize, it's easy to survive the loss of a loved one. The sun still rises. The stars still shine. Time goes forth. The world doesn't stop for your broken heart. Life continues for those left behind, whether you want it to or not.

Living with the loss of a loved one is nearly impossible. Very little exists for which to be happy about. Concentration takes more effort than I ever believed it would. Simple tasks, like brushing your hair, become a day long ordeal. Pick up the brush, hold it. Minutes, hours later, take one stroke through your hair. Your arm falls down to your lap, from sheer exhaustion. Breathing, were it not automatic, would become either a necessary evil, or a task that would happily be left undone. I keep telling myself this is a horrible dream. But even with the most horrifying of dreams, you eventually wake up.

You were taken 6 weeks ago today. One week remains until Christmas. I hope the heartache I feel, the searing pain that worsens day by day, will begin to ease after Christmas is over. For now, I remember Christmases past. How much fun you and I had when we went shopping. How meticulous you were when you wrapped presents. The total joy in your laughter, the bright light in your eyes, the happy anticipation we shared. It's all just a memory now. Memories just aren't enough. Right now, they give me no comfort. They give only pain. They serve to remind me of what I have lost and what I will never have again.

I tried to watch a home movie of you today. I wanted so desperately to be close to you somehow. I thought watching you move, hearing you speak, would bring a touch of comfort to my heart. It did not. I saw your beautiful face, I watched you walk and move around, I saw your delicate hands that I loved to hold and I remembered the last time I held your hand. I started crying so hard, I missed part of the video. I kept watching though, waiting for the pain to go away and comfort to take it's place. But then, I heard your voice telling me you loved me and I had to stop the tape, because I knew I would not hear you tell me again. No more do you breathe, never will you call my name. I feel as though the hole in my heart is so big, that I could just fall into it and never reach the bottom. I watched and listened to you on tape, and I felt the hole get bigger. I felt as though I was falling into sadness and I would never stop. People have told me to call them if I need them. I am alone, but I cannot make any calls. I need someone, but that someone is you.

The only thing worse than being alone in my pain, is being alone and knowing you cannot take it away.

I love and miss you, Cassy, more than I can say.
Mom