Talking about my angel

It really does help

Written by Connie Small, June 3, 2001

Everyone knows that losing a child is so horrible, tragic and devastating, that it creates unspeakable pain. To add to that pain would be unthinkable. So.............they keep quiet. They don't even want to offer sympathy, for fear of adding salt to an open wound. With pain this deep, this overwhelming, many are afraid that they will "push you over the edge" if they dare to even mention your child's name.

Sometimes I feel numb. Other times I feel so raw I could go crazy from the pain. But one thing that helps, is talking about Cassy. Knowing that someone else loves and misses her too. That someone else remembers the goodness in her.

Yesterday one of her friends, Jeremy, called me. It was the first time I had talked to him since her death. Actually, it was the first time I'd ever talked to him. Cassy had talked about him a lot and I knew he was a very special friend. I found out how special during our conversation.

He told me how special he considered Cassy to be. He talked about things she'd said or done. He told me of their friendship and how important she was to him. He talked about how he had nightmares and grieved horribly, crying all the time after she died. He was in Florida when she died and he never even found out until later. He told me one night she came to him in a dream. She was whole, happy, laughing, having fun. She told him how wonderful it was to be in heaven. After that dream, he stopped having nightmares. He accepted her death and knew she was OK. He said he talks to her.

He asked where she was buried and I told him of her wish to be cremated and that her ashes were with me. I could sense his hesitation in what he wanted to ask, but I felt I knew what he wanted. I told him any time he wanted to come and visit her; he was more than welcome. I could feel his relief and happiness. His happiness matched mine. For the first time, someone wanted to see her urn, maybe hold it. Someone other than me. To share Cassy in that way meant so much to me, I couldn't explain it.

In one 20 minute conversation, it was easy to see why Cassy loved Jeremy so much and why they were such great friends. Jeremy voiced some of the same thoughts and feelings that until now, I thought had only been mine. I found out, I wasn't alone in a very special way. The relief I felt, made me realize, I have been starved to share Cassy with someone who shares my deepest feelings and thoughts. I need to share her that way. It keeps her alive in the only way possible. It validates her life, her passing, and the incredible love to and from her.

Talking about Cassy with Jeremy didn't "push me over the edge". It brought me back from it.