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Three weeks and one day ago
You were here
Written by Connie Small, November 27, 2000
Time has no meaning anymore. Except when I count. Today has been three weeks since my Cassy died. Three weeks and one day ago, she was alive and well. Three weeks and 6 days ago, I was with her. I held her in my arms and we hugged so hard when we said good-bye. I just had a feeling, it was going to be the last time I would see her. I keep asking myself, why, since the feeling was so strong, why didn't I hold her longer? Why didn't I tell her how very much I loved her and how much she meant to me? Why didn't I tell her how devastated I would be, if she ever left me? Why??? If only I could have those precious moments back, I would tell her what was in my heart.
I hate the night. I hate it so much. I fight going to sleep until I finally lose the fight. Then the dreams come. Awful dreams that wake me and leave me shaking in fear. But I don't know always remember what they're about. And I don't know how to stop them.
I wonder often, how I'm going to survive. Sometimes, I don't think I will. Sometimes, most of the time, I hope I won't. I am so scared. I am feeling emotions I've never felt before. I'm afraid of them and afraid that they will never go away. I cry until I just know there are no tears left. Then without warning, I start crying again. I keep wondering, how many tears can a broken heart hold?
I am not the same person I was before. I know that I will never be that person again. She died along with my child. All the happiness that will ever enter my life from this moment on, can never erase the sadness I feel now. I despise who I have become. I am scared of what I feel. The pain that makes me wish for the stillness of death. The intense anger and the bitterness, of those mothers who suffered before me. I am scared of what is coming that I cannot hide from. I am scared of the stranger I see in the mirror. The face doesn't look like me. I see in that face, the sorrow of a thousand years. I look into those eyes and see tears of agony that only a mother can feel. I feel an ache in my heart that ebbs and flows, from dull to searing. I know, it will never go away.
And so, my Cassy, I count. The 20 years, 2 months, 3 weeks, 3 days, 18 hours and 18 minutes of your very precious and too short life. The 3 weeks, 3 hours, 35 minutes since your life ended. I will count the years, the minutes, of my life to come, without you in it, until the end of my time. Until I am with you once more. Only then, will I have no need to count.
I miss you, Cassy. I need you. Always and forever, plus one more day.
Mom