Connies 4 daughters, Jennifer, Misty, Amy and Cassy. For more pictures, go to Cassondras photoalbum.

Tortured by pictures or memories?

A picture is worth a thousand memories

Written by Connie Small, December 8, 2000

As badly as I hurt now, it's difficult for me to begin to fathom a deeper, greater pain. I know that I am still in denial, still in shock. I know that when I pass through this stage of grief, I will be unable to avoid what faces me next.

I do what I can to keep you here with me. To try to hold the pain at bay, I have your pictures all around me. Even the background of my computer screen and my screensaver, has pictures of you, your sisters, our family. A dear friend of mine said it probably wasn't a good idea for me to do that. I guess she was afraid it would hurt me more to have your pictures in front of me so much. I find it impossible to believe that having your pictures around, would hurt worse than to have them tucked into a photo album.

Should I hide your pictures, so that I'm not constantly reminded you're gone? Even in my sleep, I know you aren't here. Wherever I am, I know you aren't here. I don't have to see your picture, to know you're gone. I'm reminded each time I take a breath. I remember with each beat of my aching heart. My empty arms remind me that I'll never hold you. I'll see snow and know that you'll never make snow angels for me again. I'll smell chocolate chip cookies or steak, and know we'll never have another meal together. When I see my grandchildren, I'll remember that I'll never hold your children. I'll hear a Beatles song and know that your world is quieted now. I'll feel tears on my face and know that you can't brush them away.

Do I torture myself with your pictures all around? I close my eyes and I still see you. It doesn't matter where the pictures are. I'll always be reminded, of where you aren't.

I love you, my precious angel. Now and forever, plus one more day.
Mom