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I want to run

I want to run away from these feelings.

Written by Connie Small, December 14, 2000

I hate the night. I hate the darkness, the shadows, the stillness that allows me to hear my memories, my thoughts, over and over. My imagination runs wild and brings the terrors I don't want to see or hear. The thoughts are relentless in their pursuit to take over my mind. In the night, there is nothing to distract them. Nothing to make them stop. Pictures flash in my mind. My heart breaks. My tears fall.

How long will this pain go on? I don't know how much more I can take. I hurt so bad, I feel I'm going to die. I hurt so badly, I want to give in, let death claim me and reunite me with my child. A part of me refuses to let go. That part that says "Hold on, mom. You're needed where you are. Don't let go. It's not your time yet". Dear God, why can't it be?

I miss my child. I miss her touch, her voice. I miss her being under the same sun, the stars, the moon. I miss her feeling the wind that I feel against my cheek. I miss knowing that even when she wasn't with me, I knew she walked upon this earth and breathed the same air as I.

I open my mouth to scream her name and sobs come out. I want to run to a place where tears don't flow down my face, like water in a stream. I want to run to where my heart isn't shattered into so many pieces, it can never be put back together. I want to run where I can call her name and she will answer. I want to run to a place where I reach out my hand and she takes it in hers. I want to run away from the time that is now. I want to go back 20 years ago and hold my baby girl in my arms again and start over. I want to leave no doubt, that I loved her with everything in me that lived. I want to run away from the future and the fear it brings.

I want to run until I can't run anymore. I want to run. I have nowhere to go, but back to memories of my Cassy, deep in my heart.

I miss you so much, Cassy. My arms ache for you.
Mom