Connie with Cassy shortly after her birth

You're 12 days old. Don't grow up so fast

When I said these words to Cassy, she smiled

Written by Connie Small, November 10, 2000

After a short labor of just three hours, Cassondra Annette Small came into this world. They laid her by my side. I looked at her and she looked back at me. It seemed as though we had known each other through many lives before. At that instant, I knew there was something special about Cassy. I knew she was going to make a difference in people's lives. I was right.

From the first, Cassy was a mommy's girl. Dad was tolerable, if mom was busy. But, she made it plain as day, she was mommy's little angel. My pregnancy was planned. At least, it was by me. My husband assumed I was taking care of such matters. I just didn't exactly take care of them the way he intended. When he came home from work one day, I said nothing. I just held up a little glass tube that indicated POSITIVE! He later said, my face lit up the room like a 1000 watt bulb. He knew I was pregnant even before he had the proof. I was a "glower" during my pregnancies.

I gave birth without drugs and left the hospital within hours. Since Cassy was my fourth child, my doctor said I probably knew as much about possible medical problems and cures, as he did. I think my breastfeeding had a positive effect on him too.

When she was just 12 days old, I held her on my lap, with her facing me. I already knew then, that I loved her more than life itself. I knew she would be my last child. As we stared into each other's eyes, I asked her to not grow up so fast, because I needed her. When I said those words to her, she looked into my eyes and smiled her first smile.

Cassy was such a happy baby. She had three older sisters who fought over who got to play with her next. They even fought over who was going to change her diaper. But the one who fought the most, was Misty.

As years flew by, Misty & Cassy developed a special bond. I had lost twin girls at birth 1 year prior to having Misty and 5 years prior to having Cassy. I believe one twin came back as Misty and the other as Cassy. They just seemed to connect on a level that others didn't understand. They never, ever had a single fight. Not even a mild disagreement. They loved each other so much, they always found ways to compromise. Cassy took that a step further with people in her life.

Cassy believed that if you told about a good deed you had done for someone, God wouldn't write it down in His book. Now, I can tell for her.

When it came to helping others, Cassy was first in line. She would share anything she had, even giving the last of whatever she was sharing. She helped people and animals alike. She always had so many friends, I could never remember all of their names. If I forgot, she would remind me it was time to go visit the folks in the nursing homes! They grew to love her and eagerly awaited her visits. She would bring a special lotion for Mrs. Wittenmeyer, who had such dry skin. She'd bring Mr. Jones his favorite Heath candy bar, telling him to be sure to not let the nurse see it. She'd read stories. She'd read letters. She'd write letters. She went for walks with them. If some one was new or having a bad day, Cassy was by their side. She loved making people happy.

I can tell about the time she got her sisters together and they "donated" their very best (and favorite) toys to "kids who won't have Christmas presents". If an elderly neighbor needed their walk shoveled, Cassy was there, snow shovel in hand, never taking a cent. If she saw someone washing windows or their car, she'd pitch in, saying, "I thought you could use some company and since I'm here, I thought I'd just help a little." She babysat just about every child in town at one time or another. Cassy was the one they wanted and trusted.

Every time she called me, she'd always, always end with, "I love you mom". Her sister heard her once and joked that she must be buttering me up for something. Cassy said, "No, I tell mom I love her because no matter what kind of day she's having, it always brightens it and makes her happy." The last time I saw her, she came for a visit and dinner. She stayed longer than normal. When her sister mentioned the visit, Cassy told her, "Yeah, it makes mom happy and I like making her happy." When I took her home that evening, we gave each other extra big hugs. As always, we told each other we loved the other. Six days later, she was gone.

For my birthday last September, she went to the store with her sister to find what she wanted to give me. She looked for two hours, trying to find something I wasn't allergic to. She reluctantly settled for fresh roses and a card. I told her it wouldn't have mattered if she hadn't done any more than just to come over for a visit. She said she knew, she just wanted to make me feel special.

When she became pregnant at 18, she told me before the father (although he was a close second). She knew I would be thrilled to have another grandchild. We immediately went shopping and bought baby blankets and toys. Two months later, the doctor did a routine ultrasound. The baby had no heartbeat. A week later, the doctor did a D&C to remove the baby. When he did, he took a big part of my child too.

Losing that baby devastated her. I think of her now, in heaven with her baby. Healthy, happy and a girl (Cassy said she just knew it was going to be a girl). As a mother, I know her motherly instincts were right.

Now, I find myself with unanswerable questions. Cassy, what was the girl's name you had picked out? I know you planned on natural childbirth and you were adamant about breastfeeding. But, what scheme were you going to decorate the baby's room? Oh, Cassy, I have so many other questions. Why didn't you tell me you wanted to be cremated? Or that you didn't want to be in or on the ground, in any way, shape or form? Why did you have to leave me here, with this hole, forever in my heart? Why didn't you tell me how I'm supposed to live without you? Why didn't you tell me how to stop this pain that makes me want to let my breath out and not take in another? Why didn't you tell me how to stop the river of tears that flow constantly from my eyes? Why didn't I have another chance to see you, hold you, kiss you, rock you and tell you I loved you with all my heart? Why did you leave me??? You had so much more to do here. You have friends who don't know where to turn now. You have sisters who are lost without you. You have a father who aged into an old man overnight. And you have a mother who one minute can't believe you're really gone and the next minute, wonders how she's supposed to live without you?

I do know this. I'm going to spend more time with my family, take tons more pictures and thank God for every day I have my loved ones near me. Never again, will I say, "Oh, there's always tomorrow." Tomorrow might just not come. I will never say 'bye' again. I will say, "See you later". I will always make sure I say 'I love you' as much as I possibly can.

Tell your loved ones just how much you DO love them. I don't mean spend money on them. Spend TIME with them. You don't get a second chance when they're gone.

I have so any "I wish's", "If only's" and "I should have's." For the rest of my life, I will have those regrets. Take a look at your child or children. Your mom and dad. Your aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins. If they were to leave this world tomorrow, would you have to say, "I wish", "If only" or "I should have."? I beg you to do this for your self, your family and your friends. And I do this in memory of my beautiful daughter, Cassondra Annette Small, age 20 years, 2 months, 3 weeks, 3 days, 18 hours and 18 minutes.

I love and miss you Cassy. I'll make double sure I'm good here on earth, so when it's my turn, I can be with you in heaven.

Love, always and forever, plus one more day
Mom