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My darkest hours
Like a child, I am afraid of the dark
Written by Connie Small, December 7, 2000
As the sun goes down, my heart fills with dread. I know what is coming. It happens every night. No pill can stop it. No prayer brings relief. I stay up for as long as I can. I do whatever possible, trying to exhaust myself, so that when I do go to bed, hopefully I will fall asleep right away.
In the wee hours of the night, I crawl under the covers and lay down my head. I try to sleep, but it refuses to come. My mind races almost frantically through moments of your life. Moments I remember, moments I imagine. Both, bring a deep agony known only in the darkness of the night.
Pictures flash back and forth. Times I remember.
I see the sadness on your face when your cat died. I see the fear on your face as a car came towards us and you knew we were going to be hit. I feel the helplessness of not being able to take away your pain. I remember the times I told you no. I remember the times I didn't share with you. I remember when I wasn't patient enough. I remember harsh words said in anger. The times I must have hurt you. I think of all the chances I could have said I love you or given you a hug. And I let those times go by, because I thought there would be, "a next time". I think of the child you never got to hold; the grand child I never got to see. I think of the comfort I don't have, of watching your child grow.
The pictures keep flashing. Times I imagine.
Slow motion scenes of the accident that took you from me. The look of fear that must have been on your face. Your arms raised defensively and helplessly, against the oncoming semi. The force with which your slender body was slammed backwards. The mountain of metal, glass and car parts that buried you. Your crushed body. The fire that took the rest of your body away from me, so that I couldn't even see you to say good-bye. I don't want to "watch" as this scene replays over and over, but am unable to still my mind.
The images continue. The last seconds of your life. Were you scared? Did you call out for me? The last minutes of your life. Were you happy? The last hours of your life. Did you have any regrets? The last days of your life. How did you feel? The last weeks of your life. Who were you with? The last months of your life. What did you do? The last few years of your life. What did you dream? What were your plans? Your hopes?
I envy those who were with you when I couldn't be. Did they know how special you were? Did they love you? Did they make you happy? What did you do for others that you never told? In what ways did you touch other's lives?
I imagine the future that will never be. I wonder what you would have done? What choices you would have made in life? Who would you have married? What would your children have looked like? How many would you have had? What names would you have chosen for them?
Since you've been gone, I wonder where you are. Are you happy? Do you know my pain? Can you feel how much I miss you? Can you feel the depth and strength of my love for you still?
I lie in bed and I pray for you to come to me. To let me touch your hand, hold you in my arms, just one more time. I stare into the darkness, waiting for the light that would be you. I listen for your voice, straining to hear it in the silence of the darkness.
I pray, I beg, I cry, I bargain. I wait for dawn. I wait for the light of day that eases my pain for a little while. but I know, it will come again, all too soon. Again, like a child, I am afraid of the dark.
I miss you my angel. More than I can say.
Mom