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Dearest Cassy
It's been six days since you left me. I miss you so much.
Written by Connie Small, 15th April 2001.
November 12, 2000
My Dear, Sweet Cassy,
I'd thought I'd forgotten so much about you. My pregnancy, your birth,
your years of growing and maturing. It's been six days since you were
taken from me in such a horrible way. Although I wasn't allowed to see
you, I was allowed to be with you. I touched you, held you, rocked you,
kissed you and cried for you. Through the body bag, through the blanket
covering, I held your face in my hands. I saw your beauty, I felt the
softness of your skin, the warmth of your breath on my neck, your silky
hair. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to go with you.
Since that time, I have remembered everything about you. The way I hugged
you in my belly, loving you, wondering if you were a boy or a girl and
when you would arrive. I loved the way you stayed as close to my heart
as you could get. I remember when it was time for you to come into the
world. You were impatient to arrive, taking just three hours. Twenty years,
2 months, 3 weeks, 18 hours and 18 minutes later, you left the world you
were in such a hurry to see.
You were the youngest of four. You brought me such joy. I can't imagine
not having had you in my life. There is so much I would have missed. I
would not have known the special love I held in my heart for my "baby".
I wouldn't have felt the pride of being your mother. I wouldn't have had
the everlasting love we shared. I wouldn't have had the honor of protecting
you from harm. I could not have shared your sadness to lessen it or your
happiness to multiply it. I wouldn't have known the wonder of discovering
something new. I wouldn't have learned to stop and appreciate simple things
in life.
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Cassys Glamour photo |
I loved the way you loved me. You loved me unconditionally. Of that,
you made sure I never had a doubt. And I never had a single one, Cassy.
No matter what, I was always sure of your deep love for me. I will remember
all of the special times we shared. Like the night when the lights went
out and we looked at pictures by lamplight. Having Glamor Pictures taken
together. You playing hooky from school so you could look for Tiembre`s
kitten. You saved its life. I remember you waking me up at midnight, excitedly
telling me, "Mom! Mr. Peabody is a MRS!" when the guinea pig had babies.
I remember your hurt the night a fox ran out in front of our car. I wanted
to take away that pain so badly. You were so sensitive, so caring. I remember
the year you cried for a school friend whose mother died. You were ten.
I remember the anguish you felt when your friend April died. You cried
for April and you cried for her mom. You cried in my arms all that night.
You were sixteen. I wish I could remember what I said to comfort you then,
in the hopes I could comfort myself now. You always thought of others,
their feelings, their needs.
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Cassy with Brea, a baby she was taking care of |
Did you cry for me on Thursday, as I carried your ashes from the funeral
home? Is that why it rained so hard, only for those few moments? Did you
feel my pain of losing you? Can you feel what's in my heart? Do you know
I still love you, my baby? I always will. Every time we parted, you hugged
me and told me you loved me. When we would say good-bye on the phone,
you always said you loved me. You told your sister it made me happy. No
matter how bad my day had been, you made it better. You told her you liked
making me happy. I wish you were here now, so I could hear you say "I
love you, mom." I want you to make me happy again.
I know you are in Heaven. I know you are holding your precious baby that
you held only within you, here on earth. I know the joy you have of being
a mother. You gave me the same joy. Each night, I hold the urn with your
ashes and I rock you, just the way you loved for me to when you were small.
I sing your favorite lullabies. I tell you how much I love and miss you.
I know you've met your twin sisters, April & Melanie, who went before
you. And you've met your sister's baby who she never got to hold in her
arms. I know, you'll rock them for us and love them as much as we love
them all.
I will not let your death be in vain, my precious angel. I will not let
a single chance pass by, to do something good, in your memory. I will
donate in your name. I will help others and tell them my angel is with
me, to help them too. I will do things just because I know you would have
wanted me to. I will make snow angels with you. I will walk barefoot in
the summer. I will plant flowers so that I'm surrounded by a rainbow of
colors. I will bridge gaps from the past, heal hurts and make amends.
Somehow, some way, I will tell the world about you and just how special
you were. The world was a better place with you in it, my love. Now, it
is a lesser place without you. I know, there are no tears in Heaven, because
I have cried them here on earth. I miss you deeply, Cassy. You will never
be forgotten.
I love you now and always, plus one day,
Mom