Banner designed with love by Abby Goutal, owner of Manon's Garden

My first Thanksgiving without you

I try to come up with reasons to be thankful

Written by Connie Small, November 20, 2000

My first thoughts were, "How can I be thankful when my child has died? Am I supposed to be thankful for the pain I feel? For the way my life was turned upside down? For the way I will never be the same? I knew those questions were coming from my bitterness. Something inside me knew, I had the wrong answers. I believe Cassy was telling me, "Here's what you can be thankful for, Mom."

I listened to her speak to my heart. As I heard her voice, my tears began to fall. Somehow, those tears were different. Painful, yes. But, healing too.

"You carried me under your heart for nine months. You knew and loved me those nine months, before anyone else did, not even Dad. You, and only you, were able to nourish me with your body before and after I was born. You saw my first smile when I was 12 days old. You knew, I was smiling at you and looking at you with such love. You felt my hands reach for you in the night, when all I wanted or needed, was to be next to you. You needed me, when I needed to be needed. You made me feel important, beautiful and very special. You were my comforter, my friend, my protector, my confidant, my mentor. You loved me as unconditionally as I loved you. You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You were there when I needed you, whether you were physically present or not. You knew when to let go, even though your heart cried out for me to stay. You made me happy.

You were as much a part of me, as I was a part of you. We shared a lifetime of an eternity, even though it was not quite 21 years long. Your fingers will never forget the touch of my face and hair as you gave me "the Mother's Touch". Your arms will not be empty, for you will remember how you held me. You'll feel my touch, smell my scent, hear my voice. Close your eyes and remember me. Remember our time together, until we are together again. Know that until then, I am always with you, in your heart. I love you mom, always and forever, plus one day.

Your Angel,
Cassyandra"