Angel Pennies

"Grandma, why does Cassy throw down pennies for us?

Written by Connie Small, May 22, 2001

I thought Adam knew the answer to that question. I thought I had explained it and at least a couple of months ago. But I should have known, a child's mind never stops processing information.

Adam has given new meaning to the words "pillow talk". Just when I think he's asleep, I hear a small voice in the darkness. Last night, it was about the pennies. I wanted a way to keep Cassy "alive" and real for him. So when I found a penny on the sidewalk, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to do so. I told him the penny came from Cassy. When she wants us to know she's thinking of us, loves us and misses us, she throws down a penny where she knows we'll find it. When we miss her really bad, she throws down a penny for us to find, to let us know she knows how much we miss and love her. If she happens to throw down a nickel or dime, it means she's really thinking of us a lot that day!

For a couple of months, he's been seemingly satisfied with this explanation. But last night, he again asked why. From past experience, I knew it wouldn't be the last question before he went to sleep.

"Grandma, why does Cassy throw down pennies for us?" "It means she wants us to know she's thinking of us, loves us and misses us." "But why does she throw down pennies?"

O.K. Apparently, I needed to read between the lines here, since I'm not answering his question to his satisfaction. I tried another route.

"This is one way Cassy can talk to us."
"Oh. What's another way?"
"In your dream sleep, remember? Now, if you'll go to your dream sleep, Cassy will come and play with you. You and she will play in heaven."

There. I've used Turtle's story about Adam playing with Cassy in heaven, so I've gone above and beyond the call of duty in answering his questions tonight. I have to admit, I felt pretty smug. For all of a split second.

"No, we won't."
Excuse me? I thought I just gave THE perfect answer to a very difficult question. I thought wrong!
"Why not?"

I didn't really want to hear his answer, because I had absolutely no clue as to what it might be. Panic threatened to set it.

"I don't have wings."

He had a point. I'd said, angels get to heaven because they have wings. I'd said only angels have wings. Only angels go to heaven. I felt like I'd painted myself into a corner with no way out. I must admit, it took me a few seconds to come up with an answer he'd believe. At least, I hoped he would believe it.

"Cassy comes and gets you in your dream sleep and flies up to heaven with you, so you can play."

I held my breath.

"Oh. Grandma? How do we play in heaven?"
"You and Cassy play in heaven's playground. It's so big, you can't see the end of it. You play all night and when it's time to wake up, Cassy flies down to your bed and puts you back. She gives you a hug and kiss then flies back up to heaven until you go to dream sleep again."
"Oh."
"Now, hurry to dream sleep so Cassy can come get you, 'cause she can't come unless you're asleep."
"O.K. Grandma?"
"Yes, Adam?"
"I love you and Cassy."
"I love you and Cassy too."

He got quiet and I thought he had gone to sleep. Again, I thought wrong.

"Grandma, does Cassy still love us?"
"Yes, Adam, she loves us very much."
"But how does she love us in heaven when we can't see her?"
"You see her in your dream sleep."
"Is that the only time she loves us?"

Oh, dear. I wasn't doing so well after all. I'd put away my smugness a long time ago. By now, I'm wishing my mind was a whole lot clearer and faster.

"Adam do you love me all the time?"
"Yes."
"Do you love me when you go into the other room and can't see me?"
"Yes."
"Can you see me now?"
"No, it's dark."
"Do you still love me even though you can't see me?"
"Yes."
"Cassy still loves us even though we can't see her. When she went to heaven, she took her love for us with her. Love doesn't stop just because you can't see someone. Love is forever because it's in your heart."
"Oh. Grandma, I can't see you, but I still love you."
"I can't see you either, but I still love you too."
"Night, Grandma."
"Good night, Adam."

I waited for several minutes for another question to pop up. There were none. Just Adam's gentle breathing. As I lay there and listened to him breathe, I wondered if Cassy had come to his dream sleep and taken him to heaven to play, just as Turtle described. I sure hoped she had.