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My shining star

His life since Cassy died

December 13, 2000

People who know me, know of Adam. They also know of the great love I have for my grandchild. They gently question, out of concern for him, how his life has changed.

I don't hide all of my sadness from him. I know that shielding him from this part of life, would only hurt him in the end. I allow him to see my "surface sadness". When I cry, he hurries to climb onto my lap and silently wipes away the "water drops". He seems to know instinctively when I need a hug. While I am not the person I once was, caring for and loving him, has not changed. I appreciate him more than ever. We rock and hug a lot. We do the same things together that we used to do. Only now, I capture each precious moment deep in my heart. I make every second count, as never before. I never fail to let him know he's loved so very much.

He doesn't understand the reason why I'm sad, but he understands my sadness. It doesn't make him sad with me. For that, I am grateful. Instead of being sad, he has a look of compassion and wisdom on his face, that many adults do not. He seems happy that he is able to "help me cry". For him, words are simply not necessary. I try to make life as normal for him as possible. When I cry the deepest, it is at night when he is sound asleep.

Making his life as normal as possible, given the circumstances, is pretty much the only accomplishment I am able to make each day. I never forget, how important it is, to keep his life on an even keel. When I think I can't color another page or build another castle, I think I hear Cassy encouraging me to do "just one more thing". A strength I didn't know I had, comes forth and gently guides my way into another Christmas song or story book. We are preparing for Christmas and he is very excited to be "big enough" to take a much larger part this year.

I take more time, I MAKE more time, for him now. In a sense, his life is enriched by my loss of Cassy. I don't take a single minute for granted. I ensure that should either of us have to go, the other will not doubt the love left behind, nor the love that will continue.